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The world is not as safe for our children as we would like it to be. So it is necessary for us to prepare our children for the realities of modern times without making them constantly afraid.

Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman in their Response-Able Parent Newsletter suggest that constantly we:

Remind our children that the world is a place where most people love children and helpers are everywhere.

When you are at the mall or grocery store, point out the people who are likely to help: a woman at the door, a grandmother, a person at the information center. Statistics indicate that women are more likely to take a child who needs help to the appropriate person. A man will often point the child in the right direction but let them navigate the route on their own.

Haller and Moorman warn: Do NOT use the “never talk to strangers” slogan. If your child is lost at an amusement park or mall, everyone around them could be a stranger. If they can’t talk to strangers, who do they turn to? Instead, teach your children how to recognize the people who are most likely to help. That person just might be a stranger.

 Source: How to Talk to Your Kids about Staying Safe in Today’s World by Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman, response-agle parent newsletter #60

Child abuse is common. Sexual abuse includes inappropriate touching of a child’s breasts or genitalia, as well as someone’s exposing their genitalia to a child. Physical abuse involves injuring a child’s body by burning them, beating them or breaking their bones. Because a bruise indicates that body tissue has been damaged and blood vessels have broken, any discipline method that leaves bruises is not appropriate.

Child neglect can include physical neglect (withholding food, clothing, shelter or other physical necessities), emotional neglect (withholding love, comfort or affection) or medical neglect (withholding needed medical care).

Recognizing Child Abuse and Neglect

It’s not always easy to recognize when a child has been abused. Children who have been mistreated are often afraid to tell anyone because they think they will be blamed or that no one will believe them. Parents also tend to overlook symptoms because they don’t want to face the truth. This is a serious mistake. A child who has been abused needs special support and treatment as early as possible. The longer he continues to be abused or is left to deal with the situation on his own, the less likely he is to make a full recovery.

The best way to check for signs of abuse is to be alert to any unexplainable changes in your child’s body or behavior. Don’t conduct a formal “examination” unless you have reason for suspicion, as this may make the child fearful, but do look further if you notice any of the following:

Signs of Physical Abuse

Any injury (bruise, burn, fracture, abdominal or head injury) that cannot be explained

Signs of Sexual Abuse

• Fearful behavior (nightmares, depression, unusual fears, attempts to run away)
• Abdominal pain, bedwetting, urinary tract infection, genital pain or bleeding, sexually transmitted disease
• Extreme sexual behavior that seems inappropriate for the child’s age

Signs of Emotional Abuse

• Sudden change in self-confidence
• Headaches or stomachaches with no medical cause
• Abnormal fears, increased nightmares
• Attempts to run away

Signs of Emotional Neglect

• Failure to gain weight (especially in infants)
• Desperately affectionate behavior
• Voracious appetite and stealing of food

Long-Term Consequences of Abuse and Neglect

In most cases, children who are abused or neglected suffer greater emotional than physical damage. A child who is severely mistreated may become depressed or develop suicidal, withdrawn or violent behavior. As he gets older, he may use drugs or alcohol, try to run away, refuse discipline or abuse others. As an adult, he may develop marital and sexual difficulties, depression or suicidal behavior.

Not all abuse victims have severe reactions. Usually, the younger the child, the longer the abuse continues, and the closer the child’s relationship with the abuser, the more serious the emotional damage will be.

When to Call the Pediatrician

If you suspect your child has been abused, get help immediately through your pediatrician or a local child protective agency.

Physicians are legally obligated to report all suspected cases of abuse or neglect to authorities. Your pediatrician also will detect and treat any medical injuries or ailments, recommend a therapist and provide necessary information to investigators. The doctor also may testify in court if necessary to obtain legal protection for the child or criminal prosecution of a sexual abuse suspect. Criminal prosecution is rarely sought in mild physical abuse cases but is likely in those involving sexual abuse.

Your child will benefit from the services of a qualified mental health professional if he has been abused. You and other members of the family may be advised to seek counseling so that you’ll be able to provide the support and comfort your child needs. If someone in your family is responsible for the abuse, a mental health professional may be able to successfully treat that person as well.

If your child has been abused, you may be the only person who can help him. There is no good reason to delay reporting your suspicions of abuse. Denying the problem will only make the situation worse, allowing the abuse to continue unchecked and decreasing your child’s chance for a full recovery.

Excerpted from Caring for Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5, Bantam 1999

© Copyright 2000 American Academy of Pediatrics

This article is provided by Medem, Inc. All rights reserved.

thecarecorner.com

4) Don’t forget that their phone is also a gateway to the internet.

Did you know that most teens access popular sites like Facebook and Instagram from their phone and rarely even go to them from a computer? Be mindful that an inappropriate image captured on a phone can be easily and instantly posted anywhere online. With sexting on the rise, this can lead to images finding their way into the public, online sphere. Again, teens can be short sighted and impulsive. Be sure to talk to them about keeping best practices with their phone as well, and remember to manage their data usage.

5) Manage their time spent with “screens.”

Make sure you and your kids spend time off of their various devices. Go for a walk. Play a board game. Cook together. They don’t want to do that with you? Keep them active in other extracurricular activities and sports. The increase of sedentary lives has had a major impact on the health of youth. Encourage and foster a culture of activity in your home so that your teens see the benefits.

As with anything, keeping your teens safe yet worldly means that you’ll have to actively participate in their lives. It means having open dialogue with them so that there is trust on both sides.

http://thecarecorner.com/onlineteens.html

2) Know what you’re talking about!

Be an active parent. The writers at thecarecorner.com suggest: There is no better way to understand what your children are doing online than to use what they use. Get a Facebook account. Join Twitter. Stay current. Yes – it can be exhausting, but being engaged in the same sites your kids are using means that you have a full understanding of their participation.

thecarecorner.com  Recommends that you: Get in control!

There are several products on the market that allow you to monitor your teen’s online use. It’s easy to delete a browsing history – however many of the products available allow you to silently track your teen’s use of the computer.

Some parents have set up dummy accounts online for “friending” teens on Facebook, and other sites. It’s up to you as the parent to decide how much you trust your teen’s activity online. It’s considered a best practice, by some, to snoop in on their online activity.

But be aware: You can never have total control and perhaps you should not.

Check:  thecarecorner.com for more information.

In your quest to prepare your child for life as an adult and active member of society, you need to be aware of best online practices – and to help teach your child about the benefits and hazards of social media.

The website: thecarecorner.com says:

Sexually explicit and other inappropriate content, bullying, and copyright infringement are all some of the pitfalls of teens social media use. Just like in the real world, there is no foolproof way to guarantee your child won’t experience some of the negative aspects social media. However, you can equip them with the tools to be smart.

1) Communication is key!

Teens can often be impulsive and short sighted. Foster open dialogue with your teen about what it means to be online. Be sure to remind them that what they post online is there forever. Words, images and videos posted there can be used by anyone at any time. This means law enforcement, future employers, their extended family, and most importantly YOU can see everything they put there – password protected or not.

Being able to talk to them about what it means to have “good judgement” is important for their lives on and off line.

Read the full article at http://thecarecorner.com/onlineteens.html

First published in The CSR Review 2012-2013

One morning at a primary school assembly, a mother interrupted the assembly to call out her son in front of the school of about 200 children. He was a lively, bright, charming boy who was very active, but bored by school. When he approached her, a belt appeared in her hand and she proceeded to let him know: “If you don’t listen you go feel!” She followed each word with a stinging lash across his buttocks and legs. The onlookers were so stunned we were paralyzed. The boy did not cry. Those lashes hurt, but he refused to cry. There was clearly an internal battle raging as he fought with the burning pain. But the humiliation in his eyes was unmistakable.

That mother was not a bad mother. Not an evil stepmother, simply an exhausted, overwhelmed single parent with a boy-child she could neither understand nor control. She had tried everything she knew to get this ‘harden’ boy to be like other good, studious boys and had failed. He seemed destined for failure and ultimately jail in her eyes.

The child’s crime was that he did not learn like other children. He could not sit still for long periods of time listening to a teacher just talking. He shuffled, fiddled, daydreamed and played with pencils, tore pages out of his books to make planes and things that moved. He needed to move! His mother and teachers could not understand that. They did not have the information or the tools to support him.

Witnessing that incident, almost 20 years ago, provided for me the impetus to take action. Trinidad and Tobago Innovative Parenting Support (TTIPS) celebrates its eighteenth anniversary in September 2013. Founded in 1995, the organization was born out of the awareness that many parents and caregivers, like that mother, were making critical errors in parenting, simply because that was all they knew. Marina Torres, a Child Development and Education Specialist, Marilyn Atherley (now Robb) and I connected through our work with and passion for children. We shared a distress at the way “different” children were treated by their well-meaning parents. Marilyn and I were faced with the results daily in our classrooms and Marina in her practice.

Parenting Support Newsletter

To inform parents about current understanding of child development and modern parenting techniques, we started the production of the Parenting Support Newsletter. I put together the layout on a Mac Classic, Marina and Marilyn Xeroxed two hundred copies and distributed to friends, schools and anyone who was interested, with the direction to copy it and pass it on. Eighteen years later we are ParentingTT, still registered as TTIPS. Based in Arima, the services and programmes have evolved in response to client requests and to our own parenting experiences. They now include counseling, presentations to PTAs and groups, interactive workshops, parenting courses and community building projects. However, the organization still holds true to its mission to empower and inform and encourage innovative parenting.

Thorough the support and nurturing of international trusts – the Canadian High Commission’s Fund for Local Initiatives and the J.B. Fernandes Trust 1 – a registered non-profit entity has been created. The employees have been trained, guided and coached to function as a small business. In 2012 the organization reached more than 800 men women and children directly through interactive presentations and workshops and counseling services. Add the newsletter distribution and that number reaches more than 12,000.

Filling a gap

Like many Civil Society organizations, ParentingTT clearly serves an urgent need in our society. The clientele are primarily parents from lower and middle-income families; mostly women and children, some in the throes of stress, abuse, poverty or relationship chaos, with the accompanying emotional pain and distress. Many of them are stable, working mothers and fathers who want to ensure that nothing gets in the way of their child succeeding in the education system.

ParentingTT sought to address a gap in the social services provided by successive governments. The government services that exist are overwhelmed and buckling under the load. The organization’s work addresses an urgent national concern – that of creating wholesome, supportive home environments for children; to reduce the number of distorted and damaged human beings that have been emerging as adults from modern-day families of all classes, creeds and races. The clients are respectable parents who want to heal and help their families. There are many persons under such financial stress that they cannot afford professional services. To have a child assessed by a professional at a cost of $3000 or more is out of their reach, so the child loses.

Funding challenges

The cost or providing our services to families has been assisted largely by foreign agencies like the J.B. Fernandes Trust, the European Union, foreign embassies and UNDP, that have committed to building capacity and professionalizing the Civil Society sector through the provision of education and training in non-profit management. The Ministry of the People and Social Development has provided ParentingTT with a small subvention in recent years. Many Civil society Organizations today are as efficient or more so than some small and medium sized businesses. The major challenges are in finding the financial support to deliver the services to the people who need or want them most, in promoting the services, and to providing the wide-scale public education that could reduce social, emotional and economic problems.

Bold British Gas

The Corporate sector has contributed in small ways over the years by sponsoring attendees at the annual vacation camp, BP paid for newsletters to be distributed in Guyaguyare, Lever Brothers partnered with in their campaign to encourage play, and others have made small donations. In 2012 British Gas partnered with ParentingTT to take a bold step in supporting children and families in a two-year project centred on the Blanchissuese Secondary school. This project is the first of its kind and involved educational assessments for the entire school population of more than 200 students, counseling for the students who need it, mentoring for fifty students, peer helper training, teacher training and a community building project aimed at building on the strengths of the North Coast parents and communities.

Citizens Security Programme

In September 2012 ParentingTT was contracted by the Ministry of National Security to provide parent education and support services to the Beetham Gardens and Gonzales Communities. This has involved working with members of the community to train parents in Becoming a Love and Logic Parent, Peer Helping, 21^st Century Parenting and conducting an Appreciative Inquiry workshop to create and build on a vision of the community based on its current strengths.

 ParentingTT’s next bold step is the production of a national all-media campaign that will highlight the positive parenting practices used in the nation and encourage parents to act consciously. This campaign will start in September 2013 with radio and press tips accompanied by social media content and interaction.

We invite you to share the in the satisfaction and sense of accomplishment we experience when we see a lives changed for the better, by becoming a member of the Parentingtt family.

Barbara King, Executive Director

Parents need to accept and respect the teen as an individual totally and unconditionally. A child/adolescent needs to be valued no matter how s/he looks or behaves. A good relationship between a parent and a child facilitates positive behaviours on the child’s part, therefore reducing indiscipline and enhancing positive self-concept of the adolescent.

Parents serve as role models for their children by being sensitive and responsive to each one and by showing interest in each child and in his/her experiences.

Provide environments that encourage exploration by guiding, supporting, listening, questioning and supplying appropriate information that encourages teenagers to think for themselves. When parents facilitate and encourage exploration, they help teenagers to develop a sense of accomplishment.

Be positive in your approach and communication by giving directions or suggestions in a positive way, so that your teens do not have to spend time deciphering unnecessary negative information.  When parents direct and guide in positive ways they help teenagers to learn acceptable and appropriate behaviour and help to maintain relationships.

Parenting style may have an impact on the teenager’s school behavior. Many experts distinguish among permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative parenting styles. These parenting styles are associated with different combinations of warmth, support, and limit-setting and supervision for children. The permissive style tends to emphasize warmth and neglect limit-setting and supervision; the authoritarian style tends to emphasize the latter and not the former, while the authoritative style is one in which parents offer warmth and support, and limit-setting and supervision.

When the authoritative parenting style is used, the adolescent may be more likely to experience academic success. Authoritative parents are warm and responsive but are also able to establish and enforce standards for their children’s behavior, monitor conduct, and encourage communication. Authoritative parents make clear that they expect responsible behavior from their adolescent or the school – when their teen seems to be having difficulty. However, it is important to remember that adolescents need their parents not only to set appropriate expectations and boundaries, but also to advocate for them. Parents can ease a child’s concerns by being an active participant in their child’s education.

When an adolescent is having difficulty, parents can assist by:

Making the time to listen to and try to understand the teen’s fears or concerns;

• setting appropriate boundaries for behaviour that are consistently enforced;
• encouraging the teen to participate in one or more school activities;
• attending school functions, sports, and plays;
• meeting with teachers, and school counselor, asking how they can support the teen’s learning environment, and sharing their expectations for the child’s future;
• arranging tutoring or study group support for the teen from the school or the community,
• providing a supportive home and school environment that clearly values education;
• helping the child think about career options by arranging for visits to local companies and colleges, picking up information on careers and courses, and encouraging an internship or career-oriented part-time job;
• encouraging the teen to volunteer in the community or to participate in community groups such as the YMCA, Scouting, religious organizations, or other service-oriented groups to provide an out-of-school support system;
• emphasizing at home and in school the importance of study skills, hard work, and follow-through.

Parents can determine if their teen is in need of extra support. Being aware of common problems can help parents know when it is important to reach out and ask for help before a “difficult time” develops into a more serious situation.

By Marina Torres, Childhood Education and Development Specialist

As an ordained minister I spent 8 years learning the Hebrew and Greek language so as to study the Bible in its original language. Since that time, almost 20 years ago, I have spent many laboring hours preparing sermons and writing Bible studies on topics of marriage, love, money, miracles, gifts of the Spirit, parenting, and most importantly the Grace of God as seen through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It was with great respect for the scriptures that I undertook a call to raise the consciousness of parents throughout the world. It is with this same respect and conviction that I offer a look at a Biblical perspective on spanking.

Christian parents frequently seek the Bible in their effort to raise godly children. They believe that there is a biblical mandate to spank and they fear that if they don’t spank, they will commit the sin of losing control of their child. They believe that God has commended them to spank and they take “spare the rod and spoil the child” literally. In doing so they misunderstand the concept of the rod. The following are the biblical verses which have caused the greatest confusion:

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” (Proverbs 13:24)

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child. But the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” (Proverbs 22:15)

“Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.” (Proverbs 23:13-14)

“The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother.” (Proverbs 29:15)

At first glance these verses seem to be in strong support of the use of corporal punishment. But are they really? A closer examination of the Hebrew word for “rod” (shebet), sheds more light on the subject. In the Hebrew dictionary “rod” has various meanings; a stick for walking, writing, fighting, ruling, and punishment. The word “shebet” is most frequently used when referring to shepherds who are tending their flocks. The shepherds used the stick to fight off prey and to gently guide wandering sheep, not strike them for being out of line.

The verses that contain this material were written in poetic form. Writers of poetry typically use familiar words of the day to represent concepts and create imagery of what they are writing about. The “rod” can as easily be interpreted as a gentle guide as it can a stick for hitting children.

The image that I believe we are to extract from these verses in Proverbs is one of creating a culture of accountability in our families. The point that God is making here is that we as parents are to hold our children accountable for their choices and actions. That is His desire.

There are many ways to hold a child accountable and corporal punishment (spanking) does not have to be one of them.

Reread the passages above again and replace the references to punishment and the use of the rod with the word “accountability” and notice what happens.

For example:

Proverbs 13:24 would read, “He who spares accountability hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”

Proverbs 22:15 would read, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child. But holding him accountable will drive it far from him.”

Proverbs 23:13-14 would read, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you create a culture of accountability he will not die. Create accountability and save his soul from death.”

Proverbs 29:15 would read, “The culture of accountability imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother.”

As Christians, we believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God. Yet some Christians hold fast to interpreting the “rod” in the Proverbs passages as a mandate to spank. They interpret the passages written many years ago in the language of the time with today’s words and context. They take the passages literally, staunchly claiming that that’s what the Bible says.

But what about these passages?

“Anyone who attacks his father or his mother must be put to death.” (Exodus 21:15)

“If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother, and his blood will be on his own head.” (Leviticus 20:9)

Almost every parent would admit that their child has said, “I hate you,” or “You’re not the boss of me,” at one time or another. But no one argues that their child should be put to death in these cases.

No, children don’t need to be put to death and they don’t need to be spanked either. They do need to be held accountable for their actions and choices however. The Bible simply does not support spanking. It supports holding children accountable. It says, “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) “Training” does not mean spanking, hitting, or any other form of corporal punishment.

Chick and I believe that creating a culture of accountability is the most loving thing you can do for your children. We believe in holding children accountable within a model that Jesus gave us. In the New Testament Jesus modified the Old Testament by providing us with a model of gentleness and love. He changed the eye for an eye approach and called for turning the other cheek and forgiving seven times seventy.

Consider these inspired words of God in your parenting:

“Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

“Fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21)

“What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love with a gentle spirit?” (Corinthians 4:21).

Become an enlightened parent, one who is moved and inspired by the word of God that calls for grace, gentleness, forgiveness, and love in all that you do. Challenge yourself to create a Christ-like approach to parenting. Seek strategies and techniques that enable you to parent to the soul of your child.

Refrain from using the Bible as an excuse to spank. Use it instead to help you create a higher vision of yourself as a parent and to become the parent you always wanted to be.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. They are two of the world’s foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their website today: <http://www.mynewsletterbuilder.com//refer.php?s=25357295&u=697969>www.personalpowerpress.com.

by Thomas Haller, Respons-able Parenting Newsletter

This morning I had the privilege of watching a baby keskidee save it’s life and learn to fly with the help of several different species of birds. My children were having breakfast when they drew my attention to our dog smelling a small bird in the backyard. The bird stood completely still and the dog eventually walked away. The bird kept this position for about half a minute and then partly flew and hopped to the back wall about three feet away. During all of this larger bird s- keskidees, blue jays, ground doves and other species were making a ruckus – flying around and calling out as if for help. When the young bird reached the wall it tried to fly up but fluttered against the wall and fell to the ground. One or two birds of different species flew down and inspected it and then a full grown keskidee, which looked like its mother, flew down and fed it.

We realised that this young bird may be the product of a keskidee that had been observed building a nest in our fruitless sour lemon tree some time ago. These grown birds, possibly the parents, kept feeding it and flying back and forth as if trying to demonstrate how to fly. The young one eventually moved west along the ground near the wall using a combination of hops and fluttering. This area of the ground had a slight incline and thus it was easier for the bird to fly to the top of the wall if it intended to do so. The two grown keskidees continued providing food to the young bird as it surveyed the wall and practiced short flying bouts. Then suddenly the bird took the flight of its life and flew, not to the top of the wall, but higher to the length of razor wire above it just in time to receive food into its mouth from the mother.

That was a sight to behold. It seemed as if the mother was rewarding her child for achieving this feat.

This is a wonderful example of empowerment. The older birds were clearly agitated, as birds usually are when its young are out of the nest and cannot fly enough to defend itself, so they raised an alarm. They fed the young one, which indicated a level of caring and support, and which provided it with nourishment that helped in its effort to fly.

Parents make the same efforts as these birds each day as they try to deal with the challenges of life. To be Empowered is to be able to rise to the challenges even when you are most afraid, even when danger is in sight. It involves making enough noise to get the attention of those who can assist or support you in removing your child or yourself from a difficult situation. When our children are facing daily challenges, our goal is to encourage, model, nurture and support while providing their needs so that they can be fortified in mind and spirit to climb the hurdles they encounter or the ones they may have created by their choices.

Be like the birds and develop your community of support. Hang in there despite the difficulty, knowing that others are looking out for you and your children. And most of all, do not give up no matter how fearful you are. Continue to model to your children what is expected of them and nurture them through the difficult times. That is empowerment.

By Marina Torres, Development and Education Specialist

By Dorian Porter, TTIPS Assistant Programme Coordinator and Counsellor

2011 has ended and we look forward to continuing to inform and educate our readers in 2012. As a young girl, one of the elder neighbours in my community once told me, “There’s no substitute for experience.” At the time I wasn’t sure what it meant but I can certainly attest to having lived this statement – more so in the last quarter of 2011 at TTIPS

Working with Programme Coordinator, Barbara King, on the Social and Emotional Learning programme for the various target groups was edifying and exhilarating. Observing the range of emotions of enthusiasm and excitement displayed by caregivers, parents, teachers and children as they discovered new insights about themselves was like an appetizer to the main course.

Each group presented different dynamics which continue to challenge us, at The Parent Support Centre, to move in the direction of clients’ specific needs. As a result our Saturdays from April to November were certainly filled. Then came the preparation of our Open House which was celebrated on December 16th 2011. Through video presentations of the workshops, Slide shows of the celebration of the family, strategic planning and conscious parenting activities, it was an enjoyable walk down memory lane. Those who attended were impressed as they viewed clips of TTIPS in action.
Jemmott Bain and Derrick George, Board members

Three days of Strategic Planning with participation by Board, Staff and clients facilitated by Cheryl McKenzie-Cook saw us develop a new Dream, Design strategies and create subgroups for the implementation of the Design.
Board and staff team building

2011 was a great year for the organization as we surpassed our target number of participants for the Social and Emotional Learning Skills programme funded by J.B. Fernandes Memorial Trust 1. Another high point has been the Ministry of the People and Social Development’s unwavering support through the punctual payment of the quarterly subvention.

The free distribution of some of the newsletters, continue to create opportunities for new networks and relationships. TTIPS was also the recipient of two refurbished computers from Blink/bmobile. We are continuing to move forward, along with allies in parent education, in the development of a television production for 2012 in keeping with our plans for reaching the nation and beyond.

Sincere appreciation and thanks to the Ministry of the People and Social Development, the committed staff and the Board members, our members, subscribers and allies for making the TTIPS mission achievable.

As the year begins we wish all our associates, members subscribers and partners in parenting and their families a Happy and Prosperous New Year.